


Alluka vs. Tsukiyama: The Ultimate Showdown

by Ceileice



Category: Hunter X Hunter, Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Death, Farts, M/M, SeaWorld, Smoke Weed Every Day, Troll babies, Weed Child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 17:27:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4271748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceileice/pseuds/Ceileice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alluka must battle against the world's most dangerous foe: Mr. Tsnooks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alluka vs. Tsukiyama: The Ultimate Showdown

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is longer than my last... Hope you guys kill yourselves after you finish. :)

Alluka sighed. She was in a bar, sipping some delicious stout. She was glad she finally managed to escape the Zoldyck's place -- ooohhh, that hellhole. Milluki was constantly playing dating sims, Illumi always somehow manages to sneak Hisoka in (*winkwinkle*), Kalluto treated her like poop on a stick, Zeno was old and could barely tell her bed time stories, and her parents...? Well, doing assassin (ASS ASS IN WOOHOOO) duties. Unlike their kids, they weren't slacking. 

See, Killua was another story. He was currently on a SeaWorld date with Gon. (But that's another story for another time)

Alluka sighed again. The stout wasn't as cold as she liked it.

But how'd she manage to get into a bar???

Her 3-star Pro Hoe Hunter license, of course. And even now, many hoes and manhoes were lining up to see her. Some even fought to sit next to the stool she was sitting in.

"Fcuking barmaid couldn't even get my order right." she muttered under her breath.

See, she originally ordered Pale Ale (isn't that a song from the old 2000 Hunter X Hunter ??? LOL), but somehow they screwed the order up. Probably because the shitty barmaid was flirting with some fatfuck who claimed to spike people's drinks with laxatives. Well, not that laxatives would affect Alluka anyway.

Then all of a sudden, somebody sat next to her. She was surprised to see that it wasn't one of her loyal hoes.

"You look like you're suffering." Alluka spoke up.

"...yes."

It was Kaneki Ken. Here he was, in a bar, sitting next to Alluka Zoldyck.

He was too busy crying to care though. Hide still owed him that wild buttsex... But that was only a small part of why he was crying.

"What? You too much of a lil bitch to handle some alcohol?"

"N-No...."

Alluka tilted her head. "Well? What the fuck! Have a drink!"

"I-I can't.... Not with knowing he's alive somewhere out there..."

"Who?"

"...." Kaneki was choking tears in between his sobbing. You could tell he was really suffering.

"Ts-Ts..."

"SPEAK UP MOTHERFUCKER!" Alluka demanded.

"TSUKIYAMA SHUU!!!!" Kaneki cried out loud.

Everyone in the bar heard that name. THAT name. Gasps and screams could be heard. Clearly nobody liked Tsmpoukiyama.

And then a little girl stepped up.

It was Bicuit Krueger. Okay, so she's not a little girl after all.

"Did you just say..." Bisculit was about to ask.

"YES!!!" Kaneki screamed. "TSNOOKIYAMA SHUU!! He's STILL ALIVE AND I CANT BEAR IT."

Bisky patted him on the shoulder. "It's okay maybe you'll still get that buttsex Hide promised." She could really relate to him. Not that she was actually suffering lawl.

Kaneki forced a smile while Alluka sipped more of the stout she didn't order.

Biscuit then looked at Alluka. "Lol, look at this kid. She thinks she's hot shit because she's a pro hoe hunter? Pfft." She thought.

Bisky was wearing a top dollar Indian weave, fishnet stockings, and her makeup was on point. Hell, she even had her nails and toes done. Her eyebrows were arched and she was wearing high heels. She had been doing squats at Razor's gymnasium too, so her ass was ALSO on point.

Alluka sneered. She was slightly jealous of the wannabe Barbie comforting the loser in the next stool. "So, um... What brings you here Ken-Chan?"

"I ask of you to kill Tsukiyama. I believe you are the only one who can do it." Kaneki starting crying again.

"Oh, you can't do it yourself?" Alluka asked, annoyed because a hoe was trying to squeeze her butt.

"NO CANT YOU SEE IM TOO BUSY FKCING SUFFIERING???!

"Oh, sorry. Yeah you're much of a little binch anyway." Alluka shook her head and climbed out of the stool.

"Please.... Miss Zol Dick. Kill Tsnokuiyumaer... I beg of you!!!"

And like that, Kanekels fell out of his bar stool. He then started screaming in pain. 

Alluka sighed once more. "Okay, I'll kill his rat ass. Better be worth it." She then fistbumped her imaginary friend, Grimace.

Kaneki was cltuching his neck in pain. Then his belly.

"He has been suffering for much too long..." Bisky said.

But in reality, Tonpa had spiked his drink. He was clutching his belly because he could feel the diarrhea boiling inside of him.

If he didn't go to the bathroom soon, he'd shit his pants!!

So he kept farting. And it really stunk.

Everybody got the hell away from him. Alluka, Bisky, and even Alukals' Many Hoes. 

"god his ass stanks1!!" Hisoka yelled.

"WHERE THE FUCK DID YUO COME FROM?" Everyone except kankei asked.

"lol" hisokai answered

While Biscuit tried to get Hisoka to take his pants off, Alluka exited the bar. Her hoes couldn't follow her since the stank of the farts werre too much.

"I'm off to kill him..." Alluka said, cracking her knuckles.

...

 

"Ne, Killua."

"Hm?"

"You notice the sky suddenly changed to gray? It's weird... My nose didn't smell this before, but..."

"Eh ? What?"

Gon and Killua were on their little date. They had left SeaWorld, though.

"I smell SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gon Exlcimaed!

"OH MYGDO!" Killua Screamed!!

So they quickly ran away.

Yeah.

...

 

Alluka was ready. She was ready. Ready to kill Tsnooki.

Tsnookiyamsy was too busy watching Highschool DxD though. He claimed he watched it for the asexual dude but really he was hopping Issei would fcku Rias Grimley or w/ her name is.

He was just about to insert his penis into the floppy disk drive of the Xbone 36325740 (he can'tcount but its ok) until Alluka broke into his place.

"Yo."

Tsukiyama SCREAMED!!! She had destroyed his Girls Bravo DVD Collection. "SHIIIT!"

Oh, this?" allukasi asked? She stomped on the remaining DVD that wasn't crushed under the rubble.

"NOO!!"!"O!"!" WOEKRGBHFD

Tsukbimabado was LSOING IT!! 

He then became very pissed and tried and bit Alluka's left foot.

Felt like an ant bite. "Wow this bastard bies like a vagina." Oh they bite?????

Tsukiyama then stood up straight, screamed, and became Super Saiyan.

"Oh no... He's becmoing a Furry. I must Kill Him now." Alluka whispered to herself.

Tsukiyambai's Hair stood up. The hair gel could not fight agaisnt his super Siayn-ness.

"BRAKE 1 MORE TING AND YOUR ASS SI NXET" He scremaed.

She crushed his Kowaru action ficgure, which he had conveniently placed next to Shinji's behind (oh dear)!

"DFHFERTYHJFHGFHTDGRETDHSD" TAnukiYama was KEYMASHING!!!

"Bring it on, BITCH." Alluka said.

...

"Alluka has the sterngth of a normal child," Killua has once said. "She cant do anything without Nanika..."

...

"Onii-chan, I will prove you wrong." Alluka thought to herself. Nanika had saved her one too many times, Nanika was her good senpai. She was the Kohai. Always left in the shadow of Nanika.... Nanika gained all the respect and hatred. But alluka...?

Now it was her turn.

"Nanika, onegai..." she said, putting her hands together in a prayer.

"Let me do this alone."

By now, Tsnukoayma was rushing to her screaming about his Kowaru figure. He then summoned a giant vortex, not caring if his other comic books, figures, and porn maagaziens of kankeics were being sucked into it.

Alluka was fighting against the current. Well it wasn't a curent since there is no water lawl but deal with it.

She resisted, and then...!!

"GO TO HELL!!!" TURTLEASS SCREAMED!!

Alluka created a giant ball of energy with her hands. The Ball continued to expand, and eventually it became larger than Hsoka's ass could ever handle.

And his Schwing.

Alluka screamed as all manly man anime men did. she wasn't going to lose tosome drama queen thot who cant count!

"Nanika... This is for you, bae..."

...

...

...

In the distance, an entire city being absorbed by light could be seen. What was happening inside the city.... Was unkown....

But since Humans Are too Fucking Dumb too look up form their SmatrPhoens, they didn't see this shit happening.

"wow" thought Killua as his hair blew dramatically on a tall hill. He was next to his favorite friend, his buttbuddy, his lover, his boyfriend....

Gon Freecs.

"Wow!! This is better than Fireworks!!" said a cheerfull Gon.

"Yeah. fcuk The Chinese Fireowkrs. and Glasslip."

Gon and killua laughed while specs of Tsukiyams body blew everywhere. They got covered in his blood.

"Well Gon You already Stunkk anyway" Killua said with a laugh.

Gon laghed too. "haha right??? I don't wash my stanky ass!!"

...

"Nanika..."

"Alluka..."

Nanika and Alluka were lying next to each other in a blank white world. Like you know where Edward elric was with that weird gate n siht? He was naked there too, but dont worry. Alluka and Nikaina were fully clothed...

They were also seperate beings, in two bodies rather than one.

"Alluka... I..."

"Nanika, no... I know..."

"But..."

"I know,... I'll always be... No, I'll only ever be... Your Kohai!" Alluka was about to cry.

"No, Alluka..." Nanika extended her arm out to Alluka, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Don't cry babe... Evenif you are only my kohai, living in my shadow, always remember... There's only one you."

Alluka's eyes shined brightly.

"Remember when we first got the Hoe Hunter license..? It takes... balls... to do that..." Nanika smiled.

Alluka nodded.

"And when we healed that weed smoking kid with the Troll Hair. He smelled like Shit and Ass hole, even when he was brought back to life."

"Yeah, that ungrateful ass." Alluka laghued between her tears.

"And even whenwe beat your brother... That was fun... And..."

"Yes?"

"Without you, I wuld have never been able to experience those fun things... So... techinically fspeaking... I'm your kohai..."

Alluka's eyes widened. "What.. .Really?!?!"

"Yes..."

"Nanika..."

"Alluka..."

"Let's be together, always..." they said in unison. Then they became one being again.

That was when aaluka woke up. Her heart could stilll feel the warmth of Nanika... and Kanekels farts.

"Ah...."

She stood up. The entire town had been devoured by the light she created from before. And Tsukiyama was dead.

"Finally..."

She smiled. "Well... It's time to go..."

Then, out of nowhere, she sprouted wings and began to fly... But hwere was she going?

To the Holy Land.... AKA Hanzo's Candy store.

"We don't need no onii-chan." Alluka said as she clunged her heart. Deep down inside, she felt that nanikai nodded. And so they went...

...

...

...

"Um... Is that guy okay?" Bisky asked ,still in the bar, to nobody but Pariston, who could smoehow handle the smell of Kanekiels farts ans shits. Probably because hewas used to smelling ging's shit i guess.

Hewas also holding Ging's phone. IT had Ging's nudes in it.

"I dnt fckuing care. All I care about is Bae." said Pariston with his usual smile. He then came across a picture of Gon as a naked baby in one of Ging's photo albums.

HE SCREMAED!!

Even as a baby, GONS HAIR WAS FUKIN G TREE WEED SMOEKRGDFGFTEG>RHG

Bisky sighed.

"I hope Kanekie is okay. I think that slut from before did kill Tsukiaminas."

 

...

Meanwhile Kanekels was in he bar's bathroom, on the toilet. He waas shitting his BRAINS OUT!!! "Gaaah This is why I don't drink!!" he said, blushing.

"Well atleast Hide can buttfuck me after i CLean my Ass."

He smiled at that thought. Well before his stomach graoned again and he shat more. He was becoming dehydrated now.

And he died there. On the bar's toilet.

He didn't even flush it

Nasty ass.

 

The End. :3

**Author's Note:**

> Remember kids: Smoke Weed Every day!


End file.
